Kia Cadenza Sedan vs. The Competition
The Kia Cadenza won the first two annual “Battle of the -Zas” matchups, toppling such giants as Tony Danza and pizza. But as the competition intensifies, we’ve spent the past 12 months wondering if there will be an upset in the third edition of the competition this year, much like when the New York Jets surprised the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III. So while the 2017 Kia Cadenza premium sedan enters our third “super bowl” event as the heavy favorite once again, we did hear that George Costanza (the second-place “-Za” finisher in 2016) declared he would be the winner in this year’s battle, much like “Broadway” Joe Namath declared his New York Jets would win Super Bowl III back in 1969 with an “I guarantee it.”
We also have four newcomers in the 2017 edition of “Battle of the –Zas,” with a philosopher and an NFL defensive lineman among the newbies entering the fray. And don’t forget about stanza, the poet’s favorite, and “Bonanza,” the classic TV show, both of which narrowly made the deadline for this year after both botched their entrance applications in 2016 and missed the cut.
That said, read on for the largest gathering of “-Za”-themed humanity and inhumanity ever assembled, and see who – or what – wins in “Battle of the -Zas, Part III”!
See the Field for “Battle of the –Zas, Part III” (aka Kia Cadenza vs. the Competition)
Much like when the NCAA Men’s Division I College Basketball Tournament boosted the number of teams from 64 to 68 in its annual tournament, we have expanded the field in the “Battle of the -Zas” from six to 10 contestants to take advantage of the growing and ceaseless interest that these “-Za” matchups have garnered since their debut in 2015. We plan to have a national cable package in place to broadcast this tournament by 2020, at the absolute latest.
For now, all we have is each other, and the printed virtual page, to witness the third edition of the clash that makes “Thor vs. Incredible Hulk” look like a boring appetizer. So enter the arena, buckle up, and prepare for some feelings to get hurt, with the “Battle of the –Zas, Part III”!
The Tournament Seedings:
[table id=165 /]
Play-In Round: Winners Make Final Eight
[table id=166 /]
Winner: Benedict Spinoza, because he can disprove the existence of his opponent, at least for now.
Whoa – game change – a “-Sa” has entered the fray, with current NFL defensive end for the Los Angeles Chargers, Joey Bosa. Who’s next to break our stringent rules for qualification? Retired NFL defensive lineman Tony “Goose” Siragusa? Or perhaps Ragu spaghetti sauce? At least for now, it looks like we only will have to deal with Bosa and his elite pass-rushing skills which have given him 21 quarterback sacks in 22 career NFL games through mid-November, 2017.
[table id=168 /]
Winner: Stanza, because it’s more well-established. Plus, it’s not an interloping, rule-breaking “-Sa.”
First Round: Winners Make Final Four
[table id=167 /]
Winner: Pizza, the original -Za.
[table id=169 /]
Winner: The Kia Cadenza, for obvious and contractual reasons.
[table id=170 /]
Winner: The virus-maker Influenza pulls off an epic upset, as Danza staggers out of the ring, sneezing. We still love you, Tony.
[table id=172 /]
Winner: Costanza, who has a trick up his sleeve for the next round.
Second Round: Winners Move Onto Championship
There’s plenty of history here, with Pizza losing to the Kia Cadenza in 2015 in the inaugural “Battle of the -Zas.” To begin this match-up, Pizza squeezes itself to wring away any extra grease and lunges toward the Cadenza, which simply rolls forward and continues playing Boston’s “More Than a Feeling,” thanks to its Apple CarPlay which syncs up with compatible smartphones in all three of its trims.
[table id=173 /]
Winner: Kia Cadenza.
We know, we know – we’ve heard the criticisms from a number of readers, like: “You always advance the Cadenza, Pizza and George Costanza to the semifinals in ‘Battle of the -Zas,'” like it’s a conspiracy or something. We hear what you’re saying – but it’s really hard to beat a nice slice of -Za, a comedy legend, and a top-performing sedan. Sickness is apparently also hard to shake; see the match-up we have below.
[table id=174 /]
Winner: Costanza in a walk, who also picks up the slain pizza from the other semifinal match and makes a beeline for the title bout, slices in hand, against the Kia Cadenza.
Championship Round: Cadenza vs. Costanza/Pizza Tag-Team
It’s the rematch millions (give or take, emphasis on the take here) have been waiting for, as the Kia Cadenza takes on both the runner-up from 2015 (Pizza) and the runner-up from 2016 (Costanza). The Cadenza is revving up, but George is getting angry!
[table id=175 /]
The Winner: Was there ever any doubt? The Kia Cadenza can fit both George Costanza and Pizza safely in the front; in addition, eating food, plus available features like Harman/Kardon audio, plus available heated seats to keep your food warm, can all be enjoyed at the same time inside the premium sedan.
As a matter of fact, Costanza has declared a truce, as he rides off into the sunset, double pepperoni with green peppers -za slice in hand, behind the wheel of the Kia Cadenza.
We’ve Loved Writing Material Like This for You Over the Years – Look for the Kia Cadenza at Friendly Kia
We have the pizza-besting, poetry-topping Kia Cadenza at Friendly Kia, 5819 US Highway 19 in New Port Richey, Florida, also serving the greater Tampa, Clearwater and St. Petersburg area, as well as Trinity, Tarpon Springs and Spring Hill.
If you plan on purchasing a new or used car, please take advantage of our trade-in policy and our exclusive partnership with Kelley Blue Book KBB.com’s Trade-In Marketplace/Buying Center.